I’m a 34-Year-Old Married Woman and I Love My Childfree Life. Why Do I Feel So Weird Talking About It?

will i regret not having children

Over the weekend in my Facebook group, a member posted something that felt like it was pulled from inside my brain.

She wrote:

Real talk here… Is there anyone that didn’t have kids because life got in the way and then it was too late? I’m not sure if I want to have kids, but I also don’t want to regret it.
Everyone around me has kids or wants to have them. I see pros and cons to both sides. It is a wonderful thing to be a mom. I just don’t know if I want to have that responsibility. I don’t have anyone that I know to ask, thought I would try here. Any regrets? Do you love your childless life?

I can’t tell you how much this resonated with me. It’s something I’ve grappled with for many, many years (particularly the “I don’t have anyone to ask” part) and it’s also something that I’ve felt a little weird talking about. I’ve always assumed I was the only one who felt this way.

When I saw the post, I immediately checked to see if anyone had commented. I figured it was a situation that not many people could relate to. (You know, other than me.)

But wow. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The comments actually began pouring in—and I was shocked to see how many other women felt the same way. For the first time in my adult life, I felt less alone in my indecisiveness. And what I learned after reading through all the responses was that a lot of other women felt very alone in their indecisiveness too.

The timing of the whole “childfree-by-choice” conversation was oddly coincidental: a few days prior to the Facebook thread, I had actually started writing this blog post. The subject of having kids/not having kids has been on my mind more than ever over the past few months, because I’m about to begin the process of freezing my eggs. It’s something I have thought about doing for a while, and after many years of putting it off, I finally made the decision to move forward.

I’ll be documenting the entire journey for you in a separate post, but in the meantime, I wanted to share some context around my decision in hopes that it might be insightful for anyone else in a similar position.

Before we get into it, I just want to start out by saying a few important things.

First: fertility can be a really tricky, really emotional subject, and, more than anything else, it’s also really personal. If the topic is at all triggering for you, please know that I’ll be speaking very candidly about a lot of it below.

Second: I want to make it clear that I have the UTMOST RESPECT for moms. Like, truly—I do not know how women do it. When people say that moms are superheroes, I really do believe that. Even though I’m not sure that motherhood is for me, I still think it is one of the most incredible, selfless, amazing things in the world.

It’s time to normalize things that society sees as “abnormal.”

I’m going to be as vulnerable as possible with you in this post because I truly believe that the more we talk about this stuff openly, the less alone many of us will feel.

My goal here is to normalize the idea that it’s OK IF YOU ARE IN YOUR 30s AND NOT SURE IF YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS, normalize being single and not feeling pressured to find *the one* just because your biological clock is ticking, normalize wanting to put your career first, normalize the conversation around egg freezing, normalize lobbying your employer to cover it…

And, I guess more than anything else, I want to help normalize my own feelings.

A bit of background on me…

If you’re new around here, welcome!

I’m Lindsay, a full-time blogger, influencer, and founder of Hotel Lobby Candle, which is the luxury home fragrance brand I launched last year.

I’m 34, and have been happily married for nearly five years to a wonderful man named Matt. Many of you know him as Instahusband. He is a saint! We met at a night club in Mexico during college spring break. (Not a joke.)

Matt & I are different in a LOT of ways but we have very similar values. We’re both extremely focused on our careers, we love our families, we love to travel, and we love our independence.

We live in New York City, where we bought our apartment in 2019 and have spent a full year turning it into the home of our dreams. We often fantasize about retiring early and buying a second home on a beach somewhere. Preferably St. Barths. (Aim high, you know?!)

One thing we do not fantasize about—pretty much ever—is what our lives would look like with children.

My stance on having kids.

As a woman in my mid-30s, society has pretty much ingrained in me that having kids (or at least starting to think about having kids) is like… the thing I should be doing at this point.

Everyone asks when I’m having kids. Even complete strangers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done a Q&A on Instagram and fielded the “when are you guys having kids?” question. (It’s a rude and intrusive thing to ask someone, for a lot of reasons, and yet people still continue to do it.)

The truth is, both Matt & I have zero interest in children right now, and I honestly don’t know if that will ever change. It’s a really weird feeling, especially when almost every one of my friends has kids. And while I absolutely LOVE seeing how happy they are with their own families (and I also like seeing cute pics of their babies) the idea honestly just does not appeal to me.

Sometimes I wish it did. I think that having clarity on such a big decision would be easier than not knowing. Because let me tell you—when you feel like you’re the ONLY one who doesn’t want all of the “traditional” things that you’re supposed to want at this age, it can be a real mind-fuck. It can also feel really lonely. So if you’re reading this and you feel the same—I’m with you.

Sometimes I’m convinced there’s something wrong with me.

I often wonder if I’m missing the gene that biologically makes you want to be a mom. I’ve always been under the impression that our desire to procreate is part of human nature, so like… why don’t I have it?

Almost all of the women in my life have kids, or know that they want to have kids, or follow 100 cute kids on Instagram, or have a list of future kid names saved in their phones, or work with kids they adore, or—at the very least—know how to act around kids without seeming like a complete clueless weirdo. (It me.)

I’ve never had that “warm and fuzzy” feeling around motherhood. I’ve never thought about baby names, or thought about what my kids would look like, or how fun it would be to watch them grow up. Mostly, I just think about how much work it would be, how my life would never be the same, and how I’d have to give up so many of the things that make me happy.

It sounds incredibly selfish—I’m aware—but that’s my truth right now. Having a child would force Matt & I to uproot our otherwise fulfilled, happy, and unencumbered lives. Neither of us want to do that.

childfree by choice

I feel guilty saying it out loud because I know how many women want children so desperately but can’t have them. I also feel guilty when I think about how much I’m disappointing my parents. I know they would die to have grandchildren, and they would truly be the best grandparents ever—but I also know the decision is one that Matt & I need to make on our own, since “feeling guilty” is not exactly a compelling reason to have a child.

(To my parents’ credit, they’ve never once pressured us or made us feel bad about it. I am very grateful for that.)

I keep waiting to have a change of heart.

When I was in my mid-late 20s, I remember telling my mom (who, by the way, is the most loving, maternal human on earth) that I was worried I had no maternal instinct, and I wondered if it would ever change. She told me that I was still young, and it was normal, and that she felt the same way when she was my age—but one day she just woke up and felt differently.

With each year that has passed since then, and with each baby shower I go to, and with each friend that gets pregnant and gives birth, I keep thinking… are my feelings changing? Do I want to have kids yet? Can I picture it for myself?

If I’m being completely honest, my feelings still haven’t changed, and no, I still can’t picture it. I kind of figured that by 34, I would at least start to be able to wrap my head around the idea at this point… but nope. Hasn’t happened yet. And the older I get, the more I think that maybe it never will. And maybe that’s ok?

One thing I do know is that if more women talked about their desire to not have children, I wouldn’t feel as abnormal or alone or weird talking about it myself. There are only a handful of people I know (through social media!) who have shared their thoughts on this openly — my friend Grace Atwood has a great blog post from a single woman’s perspective, and my friend Jennifer Lake has talked about her childfree-by-choice perspective as a married woman.

I also recently listened to two podcasts that were super insightful: Girls Gotta Eat did one called “Childless by Choice,” and Kate Kennedy of Be There in Five has a two-part series called “Childless Millennial.

So, why the hell am I freezing my eggs?

By now you’re probably wondering… why bother freezing your eggs then? Great question.

I guess the best way I can explain it is… it’s an insurance policy? My fear is that eventually, if I ever do change my mind, or if Matt changes his, it’ll be too late. (Fertility declines with age, and the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to get pregnant.)

If at 40 I suddenly feel like I want a child of my own, I’ll have a much better chance with my frozen 34-year-old eggs than I would with my eggs as a 40-year-old woman.

I am VERY aware that being in the position to do this is a privilege in and of itself, and for many women, the financial commitment takes it off the table completely. (Kindbody, the fertility clinic that I’m using, has a lot of great options to make the process more accessible, which I’ll talk about in my next post.)

So, yea—this is where I’m at right now. It feels REALLY good to put all of it out there, despite how scary it is to be vulnerable in such a public forum. At the very least, I know it’ll be interesting to re-read this post in 10 years, wherever life takes us. Maybe we’ll be watching the sunset in our beach bungalow on St Barths. Or maybe I’ll be enjoying a glass of wine while I watch Matt change our newborn’s shitty diaper (because you know I sure as hell won’t be doing that.) We’ll see what happens…

If you’re interested in following along during my egg freezing journey, make sure you’re following me on Instagram. I’ll be saving everything to a highlight and sharing all of the details as I go.


  • Jessica S.
    April 3, 2021 at 2:27 am

    Thank you for being vulnerable and putting your thoughts and feelings out there about this! At 32, I have very similar feelings–selfish for not wanting to alter my life, guilty for not wanting want so many friends want desperately, and fearful of changing my mind later. I thought of freezing my eggs as an “insurance policy” as well this year as I near by birthday, but it’s just not financially something I feel ready to invest in, especially because neither my husband nor I feel like we’ll change our minds. I feel confident in my choice, but it sure would all be a whole lot easier if this were more talked about and normalized. In many ways, the biggest struggle has been not letting what other people say and tell me I should feel affect me and the choices I want to make for myself. So thank you for your openness–I look forward to watching your journey and celebrating your choices!

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 4, 2021 at 10:16 pm

      Yep, right there with you. No one I know talks about it. But what I’m realizing from all of these comments, and from chatting with women in the #SilbSquad community — it’s much more common than we realize!

  • Vanessa Wood
    April 3, 2021 at 7:14 pm

    My husband and I made a choice shortly after we were married, that we didn’t want to have children. I don’t regret our decision. I’m more 48 and enjoy being able to go and do and buy whatever without worrying how it would affect a child. You’re young at 34, so you still have time to ponder whether or not you truly want children. But in the meantime, enjoy your life!!!

  • Katie H
    April 4, 2021 at 9:00 pm

    Now can it be my turn to say “get out of my brain!”?!? I am a very soon to be 38 year old, happily married, childless woman by choice. Recently I had to visit a low-rent sr living facility that left me shaking in my shoes .. realizing that if we really don’t have children, then we better start getting itn a waiting list for a luxury sr living facility knowing we wouldn’t have the option for our adult children to care for us or at the very least, figure those things out for us.

    But in all seriousness, I always assumed I would have children – b/c growing up that is absolutely what I was shown as normal & expected – and the older I get the more I realize the huge & distinct difference b/t assuming you want them and longing in your heart for one.

    As each day goes by, I am learning more & more that having them so you don’t regret it can be just as bad as having them and regretting it. It all feels selfish to say out loud & put out into the universe but it is a very real thing.

    And I also just told my husband within the last few days that I envy women and couples who just KNOW. Either knowing they want a child or knowing they don’t want a child. But living in what feels like a state of limbo & indecision is a tough spot to be in.

    We’re in this together! xo

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 4, 2021 at 10:15 pm

      OMG I’m not even joking, the assisted living thing… I think about it ALL the time HAHAH maybe there’s a fancy home that all of the childless old people can move into together lolol

      • Emilie
        July 16, 2021 at 7:41 pm

        Slow to this post but SO grateful for it. I have seen more and more childfree by choice content online in recent months, but today (my 33rd birthday!) this hits all. Of. The. Points. The self-imposed grand parent guilt! The envy of people who know for sure, one way or the other! Dealing with society’s general judgement of this decision as either unforgivably selfish or foolishly short sighted (it’s neither). I also have to add that, while it’s not his fault, I’m low key resentful of my male partner for not having the bio clock issue with his own body. Even though he is aware of the objective risks, he’s always pointing out examples of “older” (35+) women we know/in media who get pregnant and have “successful” births without intervention. Not helpful.

        Just here to say thank you for normalizing this topic!!

        (FWIW I found this post via an article posted on <3)

        • Lindsay Silberman
          July 23, 2021 at 6:17 pm

          HAPPY (BELATED!) BIRTHDAY! I’m so glad you found my post and glad you can relate!! xx

  • Rachel
    April 4, 2021 at 9:20 pm

    This resonates big time! Thank you for making this 35 year old feel less alone 🙂

  • Bailey
    April 4, 2021 at 11:16 pm

    This. Completely. My friend and I were just talking about this yesterday. I’ve felt the same way, and it feels like as time goes on I’m even more indecisive about it. I’m 32 and when I was younger I always thought I would probably have kids, but now that I’m older, and it’s more real, I’m not sure what I actually want. Also- when you talked about feeling guilty because of your parents? I feel the same 100%. They also have never pressured me, but I know they are wishing they had a grandchild. It feels nice to know other people feel the same way!

  • Kara
    April 4, 2021 at 11:34 pm

    I am 36 and married and feel exactly the same way. I read your post and just was just nodding at everything. My husband and I have an amazing life with money and time to do whatever we like- and it’s just not something we are willing to compromise. We have lots of nieces and nephews and we’re just hoping a few of them will visit us in the old folks home 🙂

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 5, 2021 at 7:15 pm

      Hahah tbh I’m very much looking forward to being the “cool aunt” lol

  • Shannon
    April 5, 2021 at 12:16 am

    Thank you for writing this post! I’m 31 and have an almost two year old and I believe now more than ever that you should deliberately decide IF and/or when to have kids. I do love being a mom but I DO NOT wish parenthood on anyone who does not want it or isn’t ready. It’s hard. It’s really really hard. It’s incredibly fulfilling to me but that may not be the case for everyone. Do it when you are ready/if you are ready and if that’s never, who cares?! Be deliberate in all the choices you make in life, and don’t let anyone shame you or judge you for the choices you make.

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 5, 2021 at 7:15 pm

      thank you for saying this!! really refreshing to hear that perspective and all so true.

  • Judy Werner
    April 5, 2021 at 2:32 am

    I think freezing your eggs or embryos is a great idea. I wanted children in my 30’s but was not married and did not want to be a single mom. The pressure to find “the guy” just so I could have a baby was ridiculous. In those days egg freezing was not really a good alternative so I missed out and I live with a lot of regret. I got a great husband at age 49 but no children of my own. Do what is right for you and your husband. You will never regret that decision.

  • Miriam
    April 5, 2021 at 2:48 am

    I recently realized I do want to have kids, but I actually feel selfish having them! I want to have them for me, but i cannot stop thinking about what this world is. It seems so unwelcoming at times, filled with conflicts, and it’s slowly getting destroyed. What is the unselfish reason to have kids? If you find out along the way let us know!

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 5, 2021 at 7:16 pm

      i think about this A LOT too. its a very scary time to raise a child!

    • Katie Lepine
      July 20, 2021 at 4:08 am

      Hey, I have thoughts about this! I’m a Christian and see the world through a biblical lens—hence, some of my convictions may not be relatable—but even if you’re not a follower of Jesus: you can probably agree that the history of human flourishing is full of famine, conflict, greed, and all manner of suffering. Yet, life finds its way through all of this, inexorably linking sorrow and joy.

      I consider it a real fallacy to say and believe something like “Oh, this is the worst the world has ever been.” It is scary to look upon human suffering with eyes wide open, but for hundreds and thousands of years people have deeply hurt each other and the earth. They’ve also deeply loved each other and the earth.

      You sound like someone who cares about making the world a better place, or at least not a worse place, and someone who cares about peace. If you can raise your children to value those things, you will be giving something beautiful to the world. Something needed: more people who will fight for peace and joy, despite sorrow. If people like us, who care about these things, can’t stomach bringing a child into the world amidst suffering, who or what wins? There’s one unselfish reason to have children.

  • Britney
    April 5, 2021 at 4:56 am

    This post had me in tears because I felt this exact way for so many years (I always thought If I regretted it I would adopt later in life) but I decided to have a child after all. If you want the honest reason I changed my mind it was not this sudden sense of clarity, it was curiosity- what was this overwhelming love everyone keeps talks about? I had never met anyone who said they regretted having a child but I’ve met many who say they regretted not having one. Well, sure enough, my son was the best thing that has ever and could ever happen to me and I cannot imagine my life without him. I didn’t think I had a maternal bone in my body- I can’t even care for plants, but it’s the most indescribable feeling of love. I could never comprehend it or understand it until I experienced it. I do want to note that if you have one child it’s actually very manageable and with childcare/school you still do get a lot of time to yourself to pursue your goals – I am a career woman and that was a big concern of mine. My son loves to travel with us and gives us a whole new life by getting to experience the world through his eyes. This is just my experience but wanted to share because I’ve been there. Whatever you decide will be right for you 💕

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 5, 2021 at 7:17 pm

      all so true. this gave me a lot to think about. thanks so much for sharing your honest perspective!

  • Miriam
    April 5, 2021 at 6:42 am

    I’m 39.
    No kids.
    Didn’t freeze my eggs.
    No regrets, I love my life

    Just in case it adds any value, a man probably would never write a blog post like this or feel he has to freeze his sperm. We are a victim of patriarchal society.

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 5, 2021 at 7:17 pm

      you are most certainly right. I guess it’s only different in that men aren’t on a biological timeline the way we are

    • Lolo
      October 5, 2021 at 7:24 pm

      ” victim of patriarchal society” … yeah sure, it’s 100% society’s fault if men’s fertility last longer LOL.
      You’re a victim of feminism brainwashing.

  • Michaela Gordon
    April 5, 2021 at 12:23 pm

    This resonates so much. And thank you for writing it! It’s nice to have something to read like this when the “ I’m alone without the maternal gene” thoughts come creeping in. Also not something you specifically talked about but I’m from the Midwest. Finding a man/life partner (I’m 30) that’s ok with not having kids can also feel incredibly alone. Awkward topic for date 1-2 lol. But your Matt feels the same as you, and women commenting with husbands in the same boat is sooooo reassuring! So thanks for helping me feel a bit less alone in this choice to be child-free.

  • Sarah
    April 5, 2021 at 4:22 pm

    First of all, thank you for sharing. But also, not wanting kids is just as “selfish” as wanting kids. The world does not need more people, and having a child is a personal, “selfish” decision. I also don’t think “selfish” means bad. It’s just making a decision in our own best interest. Which both parents and non-parents alike do. 🙂
    And I so wish I would have frozen my eggs at 34. I was in the same boat – not sure if I wanted kids – and now I’m 40 and struggling with a low egg reserve. I love that you said it’s basically an insurance policy, and it gives you options. I wish someone would have written/talked more about this when I was in my 30s.

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 5, 2021 at 7:19 pm

      love this point of view. it’s so true. trying to open the conversation so that women know what their options are. so important!

  • Adrianna Iafolla
    April 5, 2021 at 5:26 pm

    Lindsay! Did you hijack my brain and write this? Literally every single thing you said is exactly how I feel. I just turned 31 and am like am I gonna wake up on my birthday one year like YES I’m ready for kids let’s do it! That’s what my husband hopes happens lol I’m so glad you wrote this. I feel like I finally have a friend that can relate to me and I can talk this through with (besides my therapist who is the only other one who validates my feelings). I wish it was normalized and I hope it becomes that way. Thank you, thank you for sharing!!

    • Lindsay Silberman
      April 5, 2021 at 7:19 pm

      hahaha i feel you so much! our feelings are all very valid!

  • Sam
    April 7, 2021 at 7:34 pm

    I love this post! I’ll be 32 this year and I keep wondering when my maternal instinct will “kick in”. I am in a serious relationship and am so lucky that both my boyfriend and myself are on the fence about kids. Sometimes I feel like I’d be a great mom, but most of the time I think about how having children would mean a sacrifice of our time, money, and priorities. Plus, I think about the way having kids will affect my body. I work out hard and eat well already. In LA there is already so much pressure to look a certain way, and I don’t like the idea of having to battle to get my pre-baby body back! I do wish surrogacy was more accessible. Anyway. I feel very seen and heard, so thanks for writing this post and sharing your egg freezing journey with us.

    • Lindsay Silberman
      May 12, 2021 at 10:56 pm

      I feel this on all levels. Definitely wish more people talked openly about these sentiments! xx

  • Jordan
    April 8, 2021 at 2:20 pm

    Lindsay. I started following you when you went to kamalame for the first time. My husband and I honeymooned there in 2017 and we’re finally planning a trip back there – thanks a lot covid. But you and Matt were married the same weekend so I always loved following along on your adventures. I recently had a baby but beforehand shared a lot of your thoughts. My husband talked about our lives with a future including and not including children – depending on what happened. It makes me so happy that you are sharing so openly on a topic many women are taught to think about from one point of view. Not all women can or will have children and it shouldn’t be looked at as something that they didn’t do (this isn’t a view people point out so bluntly with men after all). So thank you for using your platform to open up and welcome women to a discussion we were previously taught not to have.

    • Lindsay Silberman
      May 12, 2021 at 10:56 pm

      thanks so much for following along 🙂 i wish it didn’t feel so taboo! congrats on your bb!!! hope Kamalame is your first post-baby trip <3

  • Emily
    April 9, 2021 at 2:47 am

    After sitting here and reading through all of these comments, thank you for writing this. I’ll be 33, my husband is 35. I always felt like I would check a bunch of items off a list (good job, house, financial freedom, flexibility, etc) and SUDDENLY, some day, the magical maternal instinct you referenced would just happen. Well, it hasn’t. I’m still conflicted. With all the aforementioned “what-if’s” shared above. So, thank you again for giving this subject a platform for discussion. I’ll be freezing my eggs along with you this year 🤷🏻‍♀️

    • Lindsay Silberman
      May 5, 2021 at 8:52 pm

      You’re so welcome. I’m right there with you. Helpful to know we’re not complete psychopath weirdos right? More women feel this way than I think we realize…just not many people talking about it!

  • Shannon
    April 12, 2021 at 9:24 pm

    Thank you for writing this! I think I have DM’d you a few times in response to IG stories you’ve posted about this and it’s so important for us to talk about. I have never felt maternal or like I wanted to have kids, and at 33, that is still the case. I was upfront with my now-boyfriend a month or two into dating because we met in our 30s and I didn’t want to waste his time if having kids was important to him. I think so many dudes just think, “yeah kids sound cool” but so much of the child-raising labor (signing permission slips, cooking, homework help etc etc etc) falls to women so men don’t always think as critically about it. (just my POV, I know there are some men who do!)

    • Lindsay Silberman
      May 5, 2021 at 8:49 pm

      completely agree! So great that you were upfront about it from the beginning… would be a hard bridge to cross down the road if you hadn’t. Kudos to you for knowing what you want and not being afraid to say it!

  • Anne
    April 17, 2021 at 4:14 pm

    It feels so good to read your post Lindsay. I’m following all of your journey on Instagram and I feel lucky I have you as an internet friend sharing your vulnerable thoughts and steps through egg freezing. I’ve actually found myself looking at options here in Canada and was surprised to see there are some options here too. I will check with my insurance as well if they’d cover it.

    If I can bring another side to the topic, I’ve grown up in a big house in the suburbs with both of my parents and my two brothers, playing outside with other kids, having all of the space, walking fearlessly to school, simply put I had and have a very privileged life. However, my current situation. Is that I am a young professional who’s having her best career life and who lives in the city in a really tiny apartment with her partner of almost 5 years. And this actual situation I feel was or is preventing me from seeing myself having kids because I don’t have the space or at least what I was given in my life to help me picture having kids. And I’m wondering sometimes if I had the house or the setting I grew up in would help me see clearly? I’m turning 33 soon and love my life child free and above all my freedom. Thanks for reading me xx

    • Lindsay Silberman
      May 5, 2021 at 8:48 pm

      I can TOTALLY relate to that! It’s hard to picture for sure — and I would imagine it might be easier if, like you said, you were in the burbs! Glad it inspired you to look into! I’m guessing (like with all things healthcare-related) Canada is much more generous with coverage than the US!

  • Hannah
    April 25, 2021 at 3:09 pm

    Hi, I’m a first time reader got linked to your blog from Mackenzie Horan, and love this post! I’m 33 and I think I do want to have kids but not totally sure and haven’t found the right partner yet, so I have been wondering about the egg-freezing process. This post and your one on the process are really helpful! Also, this is random but I LOVE those striped robes you guys are wearing in the picture in this post – would you mind sharing where they are from!? Thank you!!

    • Lindsay Silberman
      May 5, 2021 at 8:42 pm

      Hi! So happy to have you! The robes were actually from a hotel we stayed at called The Brenton (in Newport, RI!) I bet if you called and asked them who makes their robes they’d tell you!

  • Holly
    August 14, 2021 at 11:03 pm

    This brought tears to my eyes. It’s like I found someone who took all my anxieties and doubts and translated them into an eloquent piece of writing. I can’t tell you how lonely and torn I’ve felt about it until now so thank you for passing on some of your courage and confidence.

    • Lindsay Silberman
      October 21, 2021 at 5:14 am

      you’re not alone! read the comments! <3 glad this made you feel better about your own anxieties

  • Jade
    November 2, 2021 at 12:13 pm

    I came across this after googling “what if I regret not having kids?”. I am so torn lately. If you had asked me a few years ago I definitely wanted kids and was even planning on coming off contraception. But the last year or so I just haven’t felt the urge. My partner has children & I think I’ve had my fill from them, but when I see my friends expecting their own or REALLY wanting to get pregnant I question if there’s something wrong with me for not feeling the same. I worry that I will want kids when it’s too late. I’m an introvert so like my own space & also can’t see myself being financially stable enough to afford children. It’s so difficult & I feel like the clock is ticking! Thank you for putting everything in words.

    • Lindsay Silberman
      November 5, 2021 at 8:47 pm

      you’re so welcome. there’s definitely nothing wrong with us for not having that maternal urge (I’ve realized that only after hearing from so many women in the comments of this post!)

  • Fernanda
    November 3, 2021 at 3:42 am

    Hi Lindsay! I don’t usually comment on blogs but I got quite emotional reading this post. It’s 12:35am where I am, I’m in bed crying because I have a health issue that has put me in a situation where I need to choose if I’m getting a hysterectomy or not. I’m 37, never wanted to have kids. Ever. Your post described me perfectly… including the part of freezing your eggs as an “insurance policy”. I don’t have the option of freezing my eggs (because of the health issue itself), so my “insurance policy” would have to be… keeping the uterus for a few more years and try alternative treatments while doing so. Keeping my uterus means my health won’t improve much, neither will my quality of life. But that fear… that little feeling of “what if I change my mind?”… is not an easy one to get rid of, is it? It’s not an easy decision for me but your post made me feel embraced, less alone in this world where people expect us to conceive. Thank you, your post felt like a hug. (I’ll start following you on Instagram now, I’ve literally just discovered you. And sorry about any English mistakes, it’s my second language!). Wishing you all the best in your life… and do live YOUR best life! 🙂

    • Lindsay Silberman
      November 5, 2021 at 8:46 pm

      I’m so so glad this resonated with you. And hopefully (maybe!) brought you a bit more clarity. The “what if” game is scary to play, but I guess we’ll always have it in the back of our minds, you know! Wishing you luck with whatever you decide!

  • Becci Howell
    November 16, 2021 at 5:54 pm

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I’m about to turn 40 and I’ve been with my husband for nearly 21 years. Throughout that time we’ve spoken about starting a family many times, but I’ve never felt it right for me, more that it was something I should do. I took the brave decision to tell my mum a couple of years ago that I wouldn’t be having children (so she wouldn’t be having grand children) and she was really supportive. She shared with me her experiences of miscarrying twice before having me and we’d never spoken so honestly. I must admit about to leave my 30’s, having a child has entered my mind again (it doesn’t help that we’re surrounded by friends moving on with their lives either with young children or being pregnant), but I know deep down my decision not to have a child is right for me and my marriage. Maybe this is because we’ve become so accustomed to having nice things, complete freedom to do what we want when we want and that at 39 and 44 the compromises are too great. I used to think this was selfish, but it’s not, it’s completely the right decision for us, and we place value in our relationship all the better for it!

    • Lindsay Silberman
      January 29, 2022 at 10:01 pm

      That is such an important and life-changing realization to have 🙂 I totally relate to not wanting to give up that freedom… !

      • Anonymous
        September 21, 2023 at 2:21 am

        I always use the excuse of “my husband is in the military we move too much it would be hard to do alone” and while that is part of it the full story is that I’m selfish and don’t want to change my whole world I feel like financially it would be so stressful to have a kid. My friends that have them say oh the finances will work themselves out but I don’t have parents like them that help when times get tough. We do live far from any family or friends over 14 hours and I feel like having a child would isolate me more. I sometimes wish I knew the right answer and I’m scared of what my future will look like when I’m old and need someone to take care of me but also I think it’s selfish of moms to assume their kids will be the ones to take care of them and that’s not a good enough reason for me to have a kid. I love babies but a toddler drives me nuts and don’t even get me started on a teenager. I realize I sound so negative and I feel guilty for all of these feelings.

  • Cassandra
    October 24, 2022 at 6:18 am

    I just posted this on Grace’s blog post, but thought I’d share a modified version here too, because everything I wrote on hers is relevant to your post.

    I’ve followed you for a long time and never posted a comment. However, I wanted to let you know that I’ve come back to this post multiple times over the last year. It brings me such comfort to know I’m not alone.

    I never had the maternal urge to have kids. I declared to my mom when I was 4 or 5 that I didn’t want children… and my feelings never really have wavered. She is obsessed with children… but made her peace with only being a grandmother to cats. She even told me today that she’d be more surprised if I had a kid than if I didn’t at this point.

    I’m almost 38 and I’ve been married for 4 years. My husband and I love the DINK life. We’re both driven, like to work, and want to keep building our careers. We consider ourselves equals.

    When my employer started offering unlimited rounds of IVF thorough insurance at a ridiculously low cost last year, I thought it would be a good idea to try to freeze embryos… just in case I changed my mind. Your other post on IVF was also super helpful. It helped give me the courage to give it a try.

    I went into the IVF process with an open mind. Although I’m usually a very anxious person, I remained positive and brave the whole time. The hormones even made me (slightly) warm up to the idea of having them. Sadly, none of my eggs turned into embryos. Suddenly, I was faced with this existential crisis that I would have never put myself through in the first place if I didn’t have amazing fertility benefits.

    My husband and I are now at a crossroads. We decided to keep trying IVF — even though we are both pretty certain we don’t want kids. After daily fistfuls of pills & vitamins, doctors appointments, and therapy sessions for months on end, I was cleared to do another round of IVF. The thing is? I’m petrified. I don’t want to do it. And maybe, that is okay!!

    So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this post. It made me realize that I don’t have to start the hormone injections this week and put my body through hell for something I didn’t really want in the first place. I can be okay with my decision to not have kids without regret.


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